five wedding signs that make me wish I couldn’t read

let’s be honest: we’ve all been to a wedding and thought, “boy, that was nice, but there were just way too many correctly placed punctuation marks.” lucky for us, the vaguely-rustic-wedding-sign trend is still going strong. if anything has made me regret my ability to recognize strings of letters as representations of abstract concepts, it’s these bad boys:

1. Signs that insinuate the ring bearer is on the prowl

i'm still single

oh, thank god! i was so tired of having to slyly ask the flower girl if the ring bearer was single. you know what they say: all the good ones are either taken or in kindergarten.

guys, this is weird. this is a weird thing to do.

bonus: bride appears to be worried about getting bored while walking down the aisle and has provided herself with plenty of reading material along the way.

possible theme inspiration: Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader, sassy t-shirts your great-aunt buys you for Christmas.

2. WIVES ARE BOSSY, AMIRITE?!

bad chair sign

you have made that very, very clear.

bonus: burlap in a formal setting, bows that appear to have been tied by a badly trained chimpanzee, all set against fake gold fake bamboo.

possible theme inspiration: middle-tier sorority house living room.

3. cutesy schmoopsy signsey winesies. 

dumb seating sign

the dr. seuss sign trend is the primary phenomenon that makes me believe that the world really did end in 2012 and we are all living in a computer simulation organized by reptilian overlords because no one else would be this cruel.

and can someone please explain the quotation marks? is this from the art of war or something? cite your sources, jesus.

possible theme inspiration: being drunk at a public access children’s show.

4. quirk quirk quirk-a-rific

mutual weirdness

this sign is a great way to tell people that you watched two seasons of Dr. Who and, are, like, a total nerd now. because last halloween’s matching Stranger Things costumes weren’t enough.

here’s a hint: if you’re wearing your weirdness like a badge, you probably aren’t that weird.

possible theme inspiration: wubba lubba dub dub, that time you played WoW and never made it out of the Barrens.

5. Grooms that are apparently terrible athletes.

HERE SHE COMES

oh, come on, james. you’re telling me you can’t manage to run the thirty feet it’ll take you to get to your ’99 accord and get the hell out of there? it’s a six-cylinder, james. it’s getting old but it still has some get-up-and-go. sure, you didn’t run a 4.4 40 in high school, but you’re decent enough to escape someone wearing enough tulle to start a mosquito nettery. i believe in you, buddy.

HERE SHE COMES 2

this is the only scenario where this sign makes sense. in this case, james, i got nothin’ for ya. i hope you’re into really big lizards.

bonus: apostrophe after “cause,” cause’ everything is terrible.

possible theme inspiration: silent bathroom crying, your really dumb third grade teacher.

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5 thoughts on “five wedding signs that make me wish I couldn’t read

    1. you better believe all my wedding signs will have chicago style footnotes attributing all of my bad ideas to drunk pinterest.

      Like

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