there are a lot of cliches to mock in the wedding world, but they aren’t all inherently awful. and then there Truly Terrible Things. these wedding trends make neck tattoos look like a mark of great intelligence. for your enjoyment and disdain, five Truly Terrible Things:
1. std clinic table toppers
nothing says “committed relationship” like the smooth graphic design sensibilities of a sexual assault prevention seminar. no, the picture isn’t blurry. that’s your eyes tearing up at nikki’s basic-ness. 300 pages in one sitting? slow down, nikki. you’re liable to get paper cuts flying through Little Women at that speed.
THEME INSPIRATION: campus health clinic waiting room.
pair with: the scent of generic lysol, teal vinyl bridesmaid dresses, codeine addiction.
AWFULNESS RATING: f***
bonus points for rustic log
2. diy money aquariums
for the tacky and tacky-at-heart: now your family members can directly provide the $20 bill he’ll stick in that costa rican stripper’s g-string after you’ve passed out at the hotel from too many mai tais.
THEME INSPIRATION: things that would kill my mother.
pair with: forgotten thank-you notes, a wacky processional dance
AWFULNESS RATING: f******
3. castle doctrine cake toppers
if you’ve ever drank so much bud light that you woke up with the lord’s prayer tattooed on you back, you might have found your cake topper. these hyper-realistic trinkets will remind aunt cecilia and uncle rob that you will END THEM RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF THE CAKE TABLE if they so much as look the wrong way at your property line. these are truly the trucknutz of wedding accessories.
THEME INSPIRATION: state’s rights.
pair with: a token gay friend, freemasonry, overcooked pork
AWFULNESS RATING: f****
4. life choices complaint box
let your overreaching relatives get it all out on your wedding day. other card questions include “what will i do with my mfa degree?” “why can’t I be more like my brother?” and “why don’t I ever call you now and again, would it kill me?”
THEME INSPIRATION: seething resentment.
pairs with: a cake you didn’t pick out, a dress you didn’t pick out, and a groom you didn’t pick out.
AWFULNESS RATING: f**
bonus: makes great kindling when you decide to burn it all down, collect the insurance money, and flee to Mexico.
5. giving fate the middle finger
there are lots of wedding superstitions: don’t let the groom see the dress, wear blue, don’t make out with the best man, etc. etc. these people think that’s all some real weak shit. they don’t just tempt fate; they tell it to SIT DOWN and SHUT UP while they say the most important vow of their lives under not one but TWO ladders in a ceremony presumably officiated by that talking cat from Sabrina. i’m not sure what happened on these apparently blood-covered ladders, but the memorial flowers that got left behind are a great budget saver.
THEME INSPIRATION: really bad luck
pair with: the strangled cries of the underworld, a pinata full of salt, seven years of listening to his nazgul-cackle snores before you file for divorce.
AWFULNESS RATING: f****